I went downstairs one Sunday morning about a half hour after my husband and saw he was immersed in his newspaper and hadn't made coffee. When I voiced my displeasure, he barely raised his head before returning to the sports section. "You're a sports fanatic," I accused.
"No, I'm not," he replied.
"Well," I asked, "what do you call a man who watches a hockey game for three hours on Saturday night, stays up to see the highlights of the game on the 11:00 news, then gets up on Sunday to read the coverage of the same game in the newspaper?"
"Well-informed," he declared.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ While teaching a health lesson to my Grade VI class on the dangers of smoking, I was reminded of an old riddle. "What do people love to give, but hate to receive?" I asked the class. I was surrounded by a sea of puzzled faces, before Kim suggested, "Fruitcake." ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

After a long winter fraught with colds and other viruses, we teachers approached March break with trepidation, praying that we'd remain healthy enough to enjoy it. One colleague was seen sitting on an uncomfortably high stool with her students seated on the floor at her feet. Asked why she was seated in that manner, she replied in a weary voice, "I'm sitting above the cough line."

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A fussy eater, my ten-year-old asked me to buy multigrain bread. Pleased that he wanted such a healthy food, I bought a loaf while shopping one day. The next morning as I made his sandwich for school, I told him I was happy he liked multigrain bread. "I don't," he said. "But the kid I give my sandwiches to does."

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ One of my duties as a special-education teacher is teaching students study and test-taking skills. On one occasion I had helped a boy prepare for his final exam in health. When I saw him in the hall after the exam was over, I asked how it had gone. "I knew all the answers, Miss," he replied. "I just didn't know which questions they went with."

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ One question on the health test instructed, "Describe the spinal column." A keen student of mine answered: "The spinal column is a long string of bones. The head sits on the top, and you sit on the bottom."

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ For the nondieting members of our family, our mom's health consciousness means lots of bran and no junk food. However, sometimes when she's not home my sister and I will go to the supermarket to buy chips, chocolate bars or some other unhealthy indulgence for ourselves. Once, we asked our seven-year-old brother what sort of "treat" he'd like us to bring back for him. "Well," he replied wistfully, "some white bread would be good."

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ My daughter, Carmen, and I were baby-sitting my granddaughter Jessica while her parents were on holidays. Jessica's day care called me at the clinic where I'm a nurse to say she was sick and had to be picked up right away. Carmen, who had just graduated as an animal-health technologist and was home for the summer, offered to get Jessica and report back to me how she was. "How sick is she?" I asked as soon as Carmen called. "Look, Mom," she replied, "I don't know a thing about babies, but if she was a dog, I'd be taking her to the nearest emergency clinic."

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Parental Guidance After teaching a sex-education class to my ten-year-old students, the public-health nurse gave them a handout to take home and discuss with their parents. When the nurse returned for the follow-up lesson, she asked the children if they had talked to their parents. Several nodded. "And what did your mother say, Johnny?" the nurse asked one student. "She told me I wasn't allowed to have sex until I was 35," Johnny replied.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I hadn't seen my aunt Shirlee for many years, so when she travelled out from British Columbia to see us, we caught up on all the news. I learned that she owned a health studio in Hope, and she handed me one of her company's bumper stickers: "Take care of your body. There's no spare in the trunk."

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ My husband and I have our two mothers sharing a double room in our community seniors' home. One is 96, mentally alert, but has little sight; the other is 90, in good health, but is often confused and totally devoid of memory retention or recall. Together, they complement each other's handicaps and help each other: one relates the messages; the other relates the vision. While out on a drive one day, my mother was describing the passing scene, and said to my mother-in-law, "Too bad you aren't able to see all this." My mother-in-law quickly replied: "That's all right. At least I'll remember where I've been."

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1.A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?"

"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."

"Do you have any close relatives, then?"

"Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun."

"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God."

"Okay," the man said with a smile, "then bill my brother-in-law."

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2.A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open it up, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it while it's running!

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